Cast Power Rankings, Volume 1

Hollywood’s a cutthroat town. It's filled with literally millions of aspiring freelancers who all think they have the requisite talent and attractiveness to become a successful actor. Granted, about 97% percent of these people are wrong and most of the remaining non-uglies never make it as well. Moral of the story: you ever manage to find a gig, you take it. Provided the show doesn’t get canceled after half a season or the film doesn’t tank, you ride that fame train as long as you can. But what to do after? Forget landing the job, maintaining a whole career is the real hard part. Just ask Screech.

Hence my idea for a new running column! From time to time, I’ll examine cast careers and then rank each member in terms of success. What exactly does “success” mean? That’s highly subjective and totally up to me. And why do this? Because ranking things is totally rad and I’m a very judgmental person. Sorry, it’s my party, I can cry if I want to.


Dawson's Creek (1998-2003)

I honestly have no idea whether or not I ever watched this show. The only thing I can recall was James Van Der Beek being totally in touch with his emotions (evidence below) and totally not in touch with his acting ability.

"What? You hate Dashboard Confessional!?!?"

And that truly awful theme song.


“(high-pitched voice) I don’t want to WAIT…for our LIIIIIIIIVES to be over and I don’t know…”


Does anyone know how to finish that lyric? That’s seriously all I remember. I don’t even know who sings it. I would totally Google this if not for the fear of being a huge loser. What does it say about a song that I only know fourteen words from the chorus? What did you say? That it sucks? Correct! I know you answered that out loud. I also know you are still singing out loud. “I don’t want to WAIIIIITTTTT…” Shame on you.

Honorable Mention: Busy Phillips

(Yes, she’s that fairly attractive blond in the black dress who accompanied Michelle Williams at the Oscars; you know, the one who looked totally familiar but you couldn’t exactly place. I’m here to help.)

Sick, dude.

There’s an honorable mention here because the show only had four main cast members and I want to do this first column justice. It was between her and something called a Kerr Smith, so I think I made the right choice. Also, Busy Phillips is an awesome name. I vaguely know her from forgettable romantic comedies, in which she probably played the eccentric best friend of the female protagonist. She’s now a series regular on Cougar Town, in which she plays…oh…um…the eccentric best friend of the female protagonist! Wikipedia describes her character as a “young feisty employee who is known for her fun-loving personality.” Nice to see Busy has branched out. Still, she’s got a steady job on a smeediumly successful network sitcom and I have no interest in looking up what Kerr Smith is.


4. James Van Der Beek

You don’t know how much this pains me. As far as I’m concerned, his “performance” as Johnny Moxon was the best thing about Varsity Blues—bold statement considering it also had this—and forever secured The Beek a place in my heart. I’m pretty sure that movie was my first exposure to unintentional comedy. Plus, dude just seems like an awesome guy. How else do you explain Van Der Memes?

Sadly, my personal feelings are not enough to ignore the facts. He’s had guest/recurring roles on various shows here and there, did some off-Broadway theatre, and even starred in a Lifetime movie. Really? C’mon Dawson, you had the emo teenage world at your fingertips and this is all you can do? Speaking of emo and teenagers, I don’t want to WAIII... NO! Stop it.


3. Joshua Jackson

This is not Joshua Jackson.

His character’s name was Pacey Witter. Pacey. Witter. I almost dropped him one spot but then I remembered he’s also Charlie Conway, captain of the Mighty Ducks, and I happily overlooked this. (Note: this led to an hour-long distraction in which I looked up the entire series and relived the heroic victory over Team Iceland from D2. U-S-A! U-S-A! I forgot what a huge asshole the Iceland coach was. And that his nickname was “The Dentist.” All kinds of awesome. Also, Team Julie! If you liked Goldberg, fuck that. He was fat and didn’t have the glove speed.)

Mr. Jackson has had a moderately respectable, if unremarkable, film career since Dawson’s Creek and currently stars on Fringe, by all accounts a fantastic show that’s unfortunately struggling ratings-wise. He also has a Van Der Beek-like ability to poke fun at himself, celebrating all things Pacey at last year’s Comic-Con.

Did I mention his girlfriend is Diane Kruger?


2. Michelle Williams

RIP, Heath.

I have almost no thoughts on Ms. Williams, other than I’m utterly amazed a cast member from a laughable hit show like Dawson’s Creek is now a notoriously private, highly respected two-time Academy Award nominee. Ryan Seacrest interviewed her at the Oscars for all of a very uncomfortable thirty seconds—she uttered less than twenty words— and she clearly wanted to escape as soon as possible. And why not? She’s an incredible, intense actress who chooses her roles carefully and seems very invested in the actual craft of acting, not all the silliness that often comes along with it. Good for her.


1. Katie Holmes

Controversial, I know. Quality-of-work-wise, Michelle Williams blows everyone out of the water. Hear me out.

Typical.

Face it: getting brainwashed by marrying Tom Cruise was a total game changer for the former Joey Potter. Sure, he isn’t the sanest (or straightest) guy in the world but Mrs. Cruise isn’t ever going to be short on money or fame or paparazzi or Thetans or conspiracy theories or…you get my point. Yes, I know she once was part of “hot, young Hollywood” and had a promising film career (go see Pieces of April) but that’s nothing compared to the work she’s done since (don’t go see Mad Money) and the notoriety she’s gained, right? C’mon, she makes headlines every time she gets a haircut and works so infrequently it’s almost as if someone was controlling EVERY aspect of her career. Almost. Huge "success" without really trying. That’s why Katie gets the top spot. Still though, when's the last time you saw her smile? She has to think every now and then, “I can’t believe I married Thomas Mapother IV for publicity purposes. What have I become?” Love is a hell of drug. So is blackmail.

In all seriousness, I’m sure Katie places family over acting by choice, and I genuinely hope she’s happy with that decision. Whatever. You want to know what decision I’m not happy with? Tom not allowing her to be in The Dark Knight. Because of that midget Scientologist, my favorite movie of all time is denied perfection because we were forced to believe Bruce Wayne would be in love with this:

WHAT. ARE. YOU?

Congratulations, Katie!!



What did you think? Agree, disagree? Got any cast suggestions? Sound off below!


Love,

Jeff




Ah, screw it. I caved. You win, Paula Cole. Everybody now, SING ALONG!! “I don’t want to WAIT…for our LIIIIIIIIVES to be over...”