Ah, to be young, blonde, and........racist?

Hey all. Just wanted to pass this story along. If you haven't heard of it, you're in for a treat. It's awesome.


So last Friday, an unfortunately dim-witted student (Alexandra Wallace) at UCLA posted this rant online:

I'm 100% honest when I say I find this video to be incredibly hilarious. In fact, it's the funniest thing I've seen since I first saw the trailer for Limitless a couple weeks ago. I find it implausible* that a UCLA student lacked the awareness to realize how such opinions were going to be received once they were plastered OVER THE ENTIRE INTERNET. ON THE DAY OF THE TSUNAMI. THE DAY OF THE TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI! LOUD NOISES! What did you think was going to happen, darling? That people were going to be distracted by your large mammaries and not listen to the content of your preaching? (Ok ok, I may or may not be guilty of this. Oh, stop judging me. It was only for a couple seconds.)

You tell em', girlfriend.

As an Asian-American, I guess I should be offended and I'm totally shocked that I don't feel that way at all. I'm very fortunate to have grown up in a environment where race wasn't really an issue. Sure, I've been teased before but it's (usually) all in good fun and I (usually) let such things roll off my back. Seriously, I'm more saddened that a student at a prestigious university was still dumb enough to think broadcasting her horrendously ignorant opinions was a good idea. Everyone's entitled to their opinion--no matter how outrageous--but not everyone should be entitled to a webcam. Words to live by. In the end, it's just not worth the energy for me--and shouldn't be for other Asians--to lash out at the poor girl with anger. She made a (huge) mistake and has since released a statement apologizing. I hope she's sincere. I hear dem' Asian sorority bitches be crazy.

Thinking every time before I hit the 'record' button,

Jeff



 *Yes, even more implausible that Limitless actually got green-lit. Can you tell that this is bothering me? The tagline of the movie is "What if a pill could make you rich and powerful?". Wait, what? Is this a comedy? It's actually about someone taking a pill to make them rich and powerful!?!? And it has that horribly repeated--and scientifically wrong--statement about "how we use only 20% of our brain"? Yeesh. This is lazy filmmaking so refined you could mine it and sell it on jewelry. I need to find out how many hours the marketing department spent on this campaign. I want a video of the meetings held after they realized in horror the studio wasn't pranking them.

Also, Robert de Niro is in Limitless. Is it safe to say this is a low point for his career? I'll reserve judgment until it is confirmed that the Focker "franchise" is dead.

On Tragedies

I cried this morning. Heavily.

I was in the middle of eating breakfast at work, reading coverage on the earthquake in Japan, and came upon this picture:

I then saw this picture. And this picture. And...yeah.

I got up and hid in the bathroom for a couple minutes to gather myself.

I pictured people in those homes. I pictured people in those cars, on their way to and fro. I pictured big things like whole buildings floating with the water. I pictured little things like family photo albums ruined, memories gone with the waves. I pictured how many lives forever changed, not to mention how many lives forever lost.

I just donated to the Red Cross. It's the first time I've ever done so, despite ample opportunity. Better late than never? Try telling that to the people of Haiti, New Orleans, or the Indian Ocean. 

I ponder why I didn't feel this way during the last disaster. Or for the one(s) before that. I didn't help then. Certainly, I followed them. Certainly, I was sympathetic. Certainly, I was horrified. Certainly, I sent thoughts and prayers.

I struggle with that term. Thoughts and prayers. That phrase is everywhere. It's on Facebook, on Twitter, on television, on print. From politicians to celebrities. From strangers and from friends.

I wonder if it all means anything. In reality, of course not. Thoughts don't rescue victims. Prayers don't clean up debris.

I wonder how long I will feel this affected. Media fatigue will eventually settle in. It has before. At least until the next disaster.

I will go back to my normal life. I will ignore the Libya situation in favor of Charlie Sheen updates. I will play basketball and play video games this weekend. I will probably watch a movie. I will continue on because the events in Japan will never truly hit home.

I, of course, feel ashamed. Does that make me a lesser person? Or does it make me human?

I love romantic comedies. I am skeptical (initially, at least) of every steroid scandal in baseball. I believe in mistakes or mishaps first--not ulterior motives--when things don't go according to plan.

I am an optimist. For someone so sarcastic all the time, cynicism is my least favorite quality. The status updates and tweets fill me with pride, instead of snark. For the moment, people are paying attention. Some will donate. Some of them will be driven to action. That will help.

We care. We are here. We are, or we would like to be, together. However brief.

I think that still matters.   

The Little Things, Volume 1

(Or as I think of it, The Feature Where I Get to Share Random Things That Are Obviously Not Important Enough For My Lazy Ass to Spend Writing A Whole Post On )


- The next time you play MadLibs (I know it's pretty often), try using Charlie Sheen for every noun. 

- Hey, I'm a real person now! Yes, my office is that drab.

- We may have discovered alien life. Where's Will Smith when you need him?

 - Zookeepers in China resort to radical—and totally cute—measures:

- I can only hope that one day I'll be a fraction of the writer Darren Franich is. Seriously, I look forward to this guy's Jersey Shore recaps more than I do the actual show.

- Has anyone noticed Vince Carter's facial hair lately? He looks like a Musketeer:

- Steve Nash did this once during a basketball game. Steve Nash makes me laugh every time.

- OK, I know his wife is a Brazilian super model and all, but he has to be at least a little gay, right?

-Why owning a Prius is awesome:

- Why owning a Prius is not awesome:

- Lastly:

I've been out of touch with the political world ever since graduation. College was just the perfect environment to stay current on matters, and I used to think that I needed to be in the know—this was the stuff that actually "mattered," after all. Since then, however, I have reverted to the comfort of mindless entertainment (and blogging!) and will remain blissfully ignorant. I guess I like following the latest news on the Spider-Man reboot more than I do the troubles Democrats are facing in Congress. If that makes me a lesser person, I accept it.

Once in a while, though, people like Mike Huckabee remind me of why I got so disenchanted. Look, I get it. You've got to appeal to the extremes to get your initial support. They are the supporters who will campaign for you, donate to you, and get you through the caucuses and the rallies. You have to get them early and often. You've got to build your brand. Write a book, get a cable news deal, go on radio. It's boring to be in the middle. You don't get ratings or publicity by being a moderate. This is why you end up with pretentious blowhards like Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Keith Olbermann.

HOWEVER, it's one thing to disagree with an opponent or ideal; it's a whole other thing to knowingly slander with lies, then backtrack with a lame excuse that is also a lie. Mike Huckabee, you sir are guilty. Mike Huckabee, you sir are an idiot.

Yeah, I forgot tolerating gay marriage totally equals tolerating incest.


AND we end on a incest comment! Hope you enjoyed reading.

Love,
Jeff

Best Live Version of a Song, Volume 2

QUICK!

Pop Quiz: [(Lupe Fiasco × Modest Mouse) + Johann Pachebel] ^Violin = ________________

Answer: Today’s Best Live Version of a Song Video!!!

Yes yes, well done. Congratulations. Pat yourself on the back if you didn’t roll your eyes at my lame math joke/introduction. Like the blog heading indicates, I’m here to be mediocre. Today's video is a sweet violin cover of “The Show Goes On” by Lupe Fiasco. Technically speaking, it shouldn't even qualify for this feature; it’s neither by the original artist (Would that be Lupe or Modest Mouse? I’m confused. Damn you, hip-hop’s overuse of sampling!) nor is it live. BUT it mixes classical music with an awesome song, sounds cool, and was performed in one take, so I’m counting it. Minus points for the violinist wearing one of those stupid hats, though.

I want one. The mustache, that is.

Random side note: What is it about finding music “too late”? “The Show Goes On” was apparently released in October 2010. I just discovered it last week, and thoroughly felt less worthy as a human being. One of my roommates totally embodies this. “What bro? That song sucks; it came out like ages ago.” As if the quality of a song completely depends on its novelty. My other roommate occupies the exact opposite end of the spectrum. He still thinks that Ray J is bumpin’ (Yo, sexy. Can I?) and catches on to random popular songs for the first time about three months late. On a related note, both of them are really cool people. That is not a sarcastic statement. Or is it?


Enjoy!

Cast Power Rankings, Volume 1

Hollywood’s a cutthroat town. It's filled with literally millions of aspiring freelancers who all think they have the requisite talent and attractiveness to become a successful actor. Granted, about 97% percent of these people are wrong and most of the remaining non-uglies never make it as well. Moral of the story: you ever manage to find a gig, you take it. Provided the show doesn’t get canceled after half a season or the film doesn’t tank, you ride that fame train as long as you can. But what to do after? Forget landing the job, maintaining a whole career is the real hard part. Just ask Screech.

Hence my idea for a new running column! From time to time, I’ll examine cast careers and then rank each member in terms of success. What exactly does “success” mean? That’s highly subjective and totally up to me. And why do this? Because ranking things is totally rad and I’m a very judgmental person. Sorry, it’s my party, I can cry if I want to.


Dawson's Creek (1998-2003)

I honestly have no idea whether or not I ever watched this show. The only thing I can recall was James Van Der Beek being totally in touch with his emotions (evidence below) and totally not in touch with his acting ability.

"What? You hate Dashboard Confessional!?!?"

And that truly awful theme song.


“(high-pitched voice) I don’t want to WAIT…for our LIIIIIIIIVES to be over and I don’t know…”


Does anyone know how to finish that lyric? That’s seriously all I remember. I don’t even know who sings it. I would totally Google this if not for the fear of being a huge loser. What does it say about a song that I only know fourteen words from the chorus? What did you say? That it sucks? Correct! I know you answered that out loud. I also know you are still singing out loud. “I don’t want to WAIIIIITTTTT…” Shame on you.

Honorable Mention: Busy Phillips

(Yes, she’s that fairly attractive blond in the black dress who accompanied Michelle Williams at the Oscars; you know, the one who looked totally familiar but you couldn’t exactly place. I’m here to help.)

Sick, dude.

There’s an honorable mention here because the show only had four main cast members and I want to do this first column justice. It was between her and something called a Kerr Smith, so I think I made the right choice. Also, Busy Phillips is an awesome name. I vaguely know her from forgettable romantic comedies, in which she probably played the eccentric best friend of the female protagonist. She’s now a series regular on Cougar Town, in which she plays…oh…um…the eccentric best friend of the female protagonist! Wikipedia describes her character as a “young feisty employee who is known for her fun-loving personality.” Nice to see Busy has branched out. Still, she’s got a steady job on a smeediumly successful network sitcom and I have no interest in looking up what Kerr Smith is.


4. James Van Der Beek

You don’t know how much this pains me. As far as I’m concerned, his “performance” as Johnny Moxon was the best thing about Varsity Blues—bold statement considering it also had this—and forever secured The Beek a place in my heart. I’m pretty sure that movie was my first exposure to unintentional comedy. Plus, dude just seems like an awesome guy. How else do you explain Van Der Memes?

Sadly, my personal feelings are not enough to ignore the facts. He’s had guest/recurring roles on various shows here and there, did some off-Broadway theatre, and even starred in a Lifetime movie. Really? C’mon Dawson, you had the emo teenage world at your fingertips and this is all you can do? Speaking of emo and teenagers, I don’t want to WAIII... NO! Stop it.


3. Joshua Jackson

This is not Joshua Jackson.

His character’s name was Pacey Witter. Pacey. Witter. I almost dropped him one spot but then I remembered he’s also Charlie Conway, captain of the Mighty Ducks, and I happily overlooked this. (Note: this led to an hour-long distraction in which I looked up the entire series and relived the heroic victory over Team Iceland from D2. U-S-A! U-S-A! I forgot what a huge asshole the Iceland coach was. And that his nickname was “The Dentist.” All kinds of awesome. Also, Team Julie! If you liked Goldberg, fuck that. He was fat and didn’t have the glove speed.)

Mr. Jackson has had a moderately respectable, if unremarkable, film career since Dawson’s Creek and currently stars on Fringe, by all accounts a fantastic show that’s unfortunately struggling ratings-wise. He also has a Van Der Beek-like ability to poke fun at himself, celebrating all things Pacey at last year’s Comic-Con.

Did I mention his girlfriend is Diane Kruger?


2. Michelle Williams

RIP, Heath.

I have almost no thoughts on Ms. Williams, other than I’m utterly amazed a cast member from a laughable hit show like Dawson’s Creek is now a notoriously private, highly respected two-time Academy Award nominee. Ryan Seacrest interviewed her at the Oscars for all of a very uncomfortable thirty seconds—she uttered less than twenty words— and she clearly wanted to escape as soon as possible. And why not? She’s an incredible, intense actress who chooses her roles carefully and seems very invested in the actual craft of acting, not all the silliness that often comes along with it. Good for her.


1. Katie Holmes

Controversial, I know. Quality-of-work-wise, Michelle Williams blows everyone out of the water. Hear me out.

Typical.

Face it: getting brainwashed by marrying Tom Cruise was a total game changer for the former Joey Potter. Sure, he isn’t the sanest (or straightest) guy in the world but Mrs. Cruise isn’t ever going to be short on money or fame or paparazzi or Thetans or conspiracy theories or…you get my point. Yes, I know she once was part of “hot, young Hollywood” and had a promising film career (go see Pieces of April) but that’s nothing compared to the work she’s done since (don’t go see Mad Money) and the notoriety she’s gained, right? C’mon, she makes headlines every time she gets a haircut and works so infrequently it’s almost as if someone was controlling EVERY aspect of her career. Almost. Huge "success" without really trying. That’s why Katie gets the top spot. Still though, when's the last time you saw her smile? She has to think every now and then, “I can’t believe I married Thomas Mapother IV for publicity purposes. What have I become?” Love is a hell of drug. So is blackmail.

In all seriousness, I’m sure Katie places family over acting by choice, and I genuinely hope she’s happy with that decision. Whatever. You want to know what decision I’m not happy with? Tom not allowing her to be in The Dark Knight. Because of that midget Scientologist, my favorite movie of all time is denied perfection because we were forced to believe Bruce Wayne would be in love with this:

WHAT. ARE. YOU?

Congratulations, Katie!!



What did you think? Agree, disagree? Got any cast suggestions? Sound off below!


Love,

Jeff




Ah, screw it. I caved. You win, Paula Cole. Everybody now, SING ALONG!! “I don’t want to WAIT…for our LIIIIIIIIVES to be over...”

Best Live Version of a Song, Volume 1

Short post here today but a momentous one. I'm introducing a new feature that's near and dear to my heart. I know you are pumped.

Live performances are the best. With Autotune rendering the ability to sing obsolete (I'm looking at you, Ms. Swift), great performers today are a commodity. Depressing state of music put aside, I always trek on over to YouTube every time I fancy a new song, search for the best live version, download it (sorry, music industry), and hit repeat. Now that I have a handy-dandy blog, I shall post them every so often for your consumption. Also, if you disagree with my music tastes, whatever. I like what I like.

Today's historic introductory post honors my current music obsession Adele, who just debuted at #1 literally everywhere. If you haven't heard of her before, the video above is quite the introduction. She's unbelievable. Plus, that dude at the beginning looks like a less fat, British version of Eric Stonestreet from "Modern Family." Eric Stonestreet is surprisingly not gay. Who knew?

Enjoy!

This is Gonna be Better Than James Franco’s Oscars Night!

What could he have been thinking at this point?

Well, at least you know my ambition level now. Make no mistake, my writing will strive to be as disinterested, smug, and lackluster as the esteemed host appeared to be last night. But anyways…HELLO! Welcome to my brand-new blog. Without a doubt, you are either a family member, friend, Facebook contact whose Newsfeed my post intruded on, or fanatical fan who thinks this is a site dedicated to the best bench-warming white Lakers guard of the last 20 years (it’s quite a list). I toyed with that idea for a while but then realized such a blog might be short on quality material past the year 2001.*

Fat Mike Penberthy is angry.

 To be honest, I have no concrete idea why I decided to create a blog, other than classic “post-college restlessness” and a desire to share what important thoughts I have with the WORLD. I am well aware that these musings will likely never see the light of day and I am not on my way to becoming rich and famous. There are 14,363,537 blogs just on Tumblr alone, which, at minimum, gives me a 1/14,363,537 chance (my calculator is out of batteries and I am morally against using the calculator on computers) of being the next famous online writer. Hey, as least I can’t be as bad (or brilliant?) as this guy, right?

I count no less than 15 other blogs/websites I follow myself and aside from being a spectacularly effective way to waste time, they just add to the notion that there’s a mountain of information out there to consume on the internet. Nevertheless, I feel such dedication to meaningless but varied forms of entertainment has given me mass exposure to areas of culture I find quite interesting, and I would love to share them with you, dear reader. These may include, but are not limited to: movies, television, sports, music, technology, the robust sneaker-collector world, YouTube’s finest, and most importantly, celebrity gossip. Yes, quite a large spectrum to cover but I’ve already got many running features and column ideas to share, all of which will be revealed shortly if you just do this.

Ultimately, I guess I’m just looking to carve a niche in this crazy, crazy world we now inhabit, where information is instantaneous and everyone has an opinion. I sincerely hope you will accompany me in that effort. Now, where to begin?

Love,
Jeff

P.S. There are now 14,367,255 blogs on Tumblr. Shit.

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* Damn right I used a footnote. For those who are uninformed, Mike Penberthy was an integral part of the 2000-2001 World Champion Los Angeles Lakers. And by integral, I mean important enough to get cut after one season. Oh, but what a season. You don’t get much better than a 26-year old white rookie guard whose mission in life was to chuck up 3s and attempt fearless reverse layups over taller, more athletic men. Please enjoy this inaugural video as much as I do.